Sometimes we make a life choice which makes no sense. Other times we think them out to the very last little detail. I feel like my life has been a hilarious mix of both. Coming to Goshen was both well thought out and completely out of the blue. My friends here say I came to meet them, my parents say it was for my career, my boyfriend reminds me I did it to make sure I could. And I can. But now that I know I can, I don't want to. I've certainly valued my time here and the lessons learned.
As my poor mother is well aware, I took formal education as torture. I felt like it was some strange form of punishment for being young and impressionable. Even when I was very young I knew why I had to be in school; I was learning every day, and someone somewhere was determined I learn what they deemed important. Being judged is never fun, especially when it's done by a total stranger. Don't get me wrong. I love the education I got. It made it possible to express myself with relative ease, made it possible to get a decent job, and even taught me life lessons though I felt at the time as if life was passing me by. No doubt about it. A form of standardized education is the socially dictated way to achieve success in life. But... Is this really all there is to it? Is sitting in a classroom learning from books and scripted conversations all there is? My career is not the normal one. I'm doing something with a very different culture. With an environment totally alien from our own. It's often phrased as a different world, and I tend to agree with that statement.Switching gears from the hearing culture to the Deaf and back again is, and always will be, challenging. As I study my brain is learning two channels to run thoughts through which honestly is not something I thought could happen. But it's a thrilling process and I love it with every fiber in me. But once my hour and forty minutes of signing are up, I'm back to hearing culture again. And honestly, it's not quite as interesting. That's why I'm making another life decision. I like to think this one is thought through and the perfect option for me. If it isn't I'll just look at it as I've begun to look at everything, it will be a completely new experience and I'll learn something from it no matter the final results. I'm sure you readers know what the life changing decision is already, but I like saying it anyway.
In a Word document which has been saved and locked up for the night there lies a letter of interest. What am I interested in? Well a job actually. The jumbled mess of words in that document will hopefully give me the opportunity I've been too shy and frightened to take up to this point. In fact, to be brutally honest, when it came down to applying to work at this school for the Deaf or moving away from everything I knew, I chose moving; thinking I would get the experience I would need, then come back later and ask for a job. As it turns out I'm not getting that experience here. I am getting a huge quantity of information on the structure of ASL, the syntax of ASL, and the book version of the culture, but what I need now is all this knowledge to be put to the test. I need to know what I'm getting into and I'm not going to learn that here. Schools will always be around to learn how to interpret, but as time passes more and more Deaf schools are closing their doors due to a massive movement to mainstream Deaf children. Austine might be on that list and I can't let this time pass me by.
Maybe it's because it's so close to home that I need to be a part of it. All I know is that I do need to be a part of it. Just for a while at least. I plan on getting my degree (really), but not right now. That's not what I need right now. I need some time to come back to Earth. College is a surreal place full of the idea that this is somehow "real life." I beg to differ. Real life doesn't make food for you. It doesn't slap your wrist for being late or give you positive feedback when you need a kick in the pants. If you show up for class with a hangover no one notices. If you show up for your real life job with one you're next to fired. I want reality back before I get too used to this easy lifestyle. And I want to be surrounded by the language and culture I've grown to respect and love.
Through the decision making process I've cringed at what others may say. Perhaps they'll see this as copping out, that I was unable to make it. But what I came to understand was, Jeroth knows what this means to me. My parents know what this means to me. The people I value and respect the most are the ones standing behind me and telling me to do what I will with my life. At this point copping out would be staying here. Moving back will be even more intimidating and challenging than moving out here. But the rewards will be much greater if I can stick it out. And I can't wait for the lessons (some of which will kick my ass) that are waiting for me.
